Market Research Shows That Market Research Can Be A Helpful Tool When Researching Your Market

I think it’s safe to say that I have a lock on that key demographic of people aged 30-80 who have the author’s phone number. This is a triumph, make no mistake about it, but seeing as how The Creepswas supposed to be at least partially-targeted at the Young Adult audience, maybe you can pass on the word to your local Young Adult that this book exists and that they might find it mildly entertaining.

I wouldn’t just throw this request out there without a bit of guidance, so I’ve had my marketing team assemble a list of places where Young Adults can be found:

1. Perhaps some of you have sired some Young Adults, in which case, I suggest you start by checking their bedrooms.

2. Once you’ve realized that they’re not in their rooms (though they should be, since you sent them up there about two hours ago to think about what they did and the many ways they’ve disappointed you), try calling the parents of their best friends and demand that they be put on the phone. Then tell them to hang up and go download the book. Or else!

3. If you aren’t cursed with a Young Adult of your own, go to the local skate-park (those still exist, right?) and spread the word about this amazing novel you’ve just read. Lie if you have to, I don’t mind. And try to look past the many middle fingers that will be directed your way—these Young Adults are simply misguided and in need of a gripping adventure-yarn about talking skeletons and what it feels like to have a crush on a girl.

4. Maybe you’re more isolated than others and your only encounters with Young Adults will be when they vandalize your possessions. Try to push past your feelings of betrayal and rage as you watch your mailbox—the brass one you shelled out $40 for at the local hardware store—is defaced by a can of spray-paint or annihilated by a Louisvillle Slugger. Rise above this social discord and yell after them, “Go download The Creeps to your phone, tablet, or other mobile device!” while you shake your fist, but be sure to do so before you shout, “Damn kids!”

5. Call your local school district, tell them your taxes dollars pay their salaries, and demand that The Creeps be made a part of the literature curriculum for all grades. Wait, don’t do that… Young Adults hate assigned reading—to this day I refuse to read The Great Gatsby for that very reason. You’ll never tell me what to do, Mr. Norton, I don’t care how well-rounded you want me to be!

6. Call your local school district, tell them your tax dollars pay their salaries, and demand that The Creeps never be allowed in class or the library—that’ll bring those Young Adults in like nobody’s business. And then nobody’s business will be absolutely booming.