Herek Vs. Reynolds: A G-Chat Poem

Sent at 10:42 AM on Thursday
me: Hey everyone, it's me, Stephen Herek
director of the Bill and Ted movie
Dont Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
and the Mighty Ducks
I'm glad you're here with me on-set while we shoot our next blockbuster
a re-working of Alexandre Dumas' Three Musketeers
starring Kiefer Sutherland
Charlie Sheen
Chris O'Donnell
Oliver PLatt
Rebecca DeMornay
Tom: what is happening
me: and TimCurry
I've had a great idea
remember a couple years ago when Bryan Adams rocked the planet with his
love ballad from Prince of Thieves?
well check it - that was one gravelly voiced guy doing a powerful power-
ballad
well, we got this Disney cash to throw around
so we're going to get THREE gravelly-voiced guys to sing OUR powerful
power-ballad
Bryan Adams
Rod Stewart
and Sting
and we're calling it "All For Love"
kind of a twist on the popular phrase from the novel, right?
And it works because 1.) It worked last time
and 2.) There are THREE times the vocals
just like the THREE Musketeers!
See how easy it is to craft a hit?
And we'll follow the template laid down by our fellows at Morgan Creek
Prods
we'll get the THREE of them to stand around with each other and sing
while we cut to action sequences from the film!
It's just that easy!
All right everyone, let's get to work!(end scene)
I heard that tune as hold music for Citizens Bank 4 minutes ago. Hilarious.
Sent at 11:13 AM on Thursday
me: hey gang, it's me, Stephen Herek again
remember the gravelly-voiced actor who played Guy of Gisbourne in Thieves?
well, I've got great news
we got him for Musketeers!
Michael Wincott up in the house!
and remember how his ear was cut off in Thieves?
well, we're giving him a freaking eyepatch in this movie
'Teers will be the greatest reimagining of Thieves EVER.
Action!
Sent at 11:34 AM on Thursday
Tom: ha!
Sent at 11:42 AM on Thursday
me: Hey everyone, it's me, Kevin Reynolds
director of Fandango
Waterworld
and Thieves
remember when Steph Herek remade Thieves as 'Teers?
and he tried to out-Reynolds me, Kevin Reynolds?
well, fuck that guy
'Teers is no homage to my classic, Thieves
so to course-correct this nonsense, I'm reimagining the
reimagining
and I'm calling it
The Count of Monte Cristo
and oh, you better believe you can count on Revenge
listen, we've got a hot new bland-faced actor in the mold of Costner
and its Jim Caviezel
or Guy Pearce
they're kind of the same person
and we're cutting the power ballad - revenge needs no crooning
just more swashbuckling
I'm getting Richard Harris to show up too
and I'm throwing in Napoleon
and pirates
and a prison escape
and treasure
and Dagmara Dominczyzcyzyzyzczyk
who's 10x hotter than either Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonios or Rebecca
DeMornay
also, great news
we've got Michael Wincott locked down to be the baddie who runs Chateau
D'if
it will be the most Reynoldsian exercise of Reynoldsian tropes
because I'm Kevin Reynolds
and you're not, Herek
so fuck you.
Sent at 11:49 AM on Thursday