Slimer Joins the Cavs: An NBA Odyssey

Those who know me, know that I've been following the National Basketball Association pretty closely this year. As a Detroit Pistons fan, it was a pleasure to see the lads in blue make the playoffs again. It's also been an historic run for the 73-9 Golden State Warriors, and their utter shellacking of the Cleveland Cavaliers during the first two games of the 2016 Finals seemed to doom the grand finale to being a letdown after the 7-game bloodsport that was the Western Conference Finals.

The 48 point differential of the first two games was so overwhelming, that I was compelled to put my spongy mind to the task of solving LeBron's problems for him (which is kind of how he likes everything to be done), just to make it entertaining for the rest of us while we wait for the glorious inevitable to happen.

So I ask you: what on Earth can be done to stop the complete psychological dismantling the Warriors are inflicting upon The Bron and Company?

Fortunately for Coach Lue, I recently stumbled into a wild idea that just might work. It was inspired by what I initially thought was a hallucination, but later discovered to be quite real. Perhaps you saw this madness too? As a hint, here’s my initial response to what I’m referring to:

“Did I just see Kobe Bryant flying a helicopter, dressed as a Ghostbuster?”

Yeah, it looks like Kobe is spending his retirement bustin’ ghosts, presumably because “bustin’ makes him feel good.” Presumably, inexplicable cross-promotion makes him feel even better. There is no universe in which this idea makes any sense, but modern marketing is so insistent upon it, who am I to argue?

So, we all know that this premise is absurd, and yet... my brainbox suggested that perhaps the concept could be retro-fitted and applied to the slow-motion basketball Hindenburg called the 2016 NBA Finals Cavaliers?

Quick as a jackrabbit, I pieced together a bogus (Bogut?) press laminate in the ol' Photoshop, took a mortgage out on my friend's new house (his approval was implied, in that he did not catch me in the act of doing so), and cruised down to Cleveland to camp out for a few days and bend the ear of the Cavalier's front office. What follows are the results, as laid out in my week-long NBA Finals Diary.

I now humbly present you with what is surely the greatest thought that has ever been thunk:

Slimer Joins the Cavs

Balls to you, hoop-heads - you’re welcome.

Day 1:

At first glance, you might think the Golden State Warriors could be physically outmatched by the Cavs – you’ve got your LeBron James, your Kyrie Irv- well, I guess not. You’ve got your Dellava- wait, hang on… uh, you’ve got, um, team-dad, Richard Jefferson, and you’ve got – wait, did I say LeBron already? I did? Oh. Well, you’ve mostly got LeBron to be your 4, feeding shooters like Kevin Lo- well, uh, like J.R. Smith, sometimes, and getting those boards.

But what if the Cavs tried something more outside the box? For while the Tristan Thompson trade has been mildly beneficial, it seems to have overshadowed their trade for Slimer, who’d been unsuccessfully jockeying for a starting position on Anthony Davis’ Pelican team before heading north to The Cleve. Who needs another big man to block the Warriors’ paint-game and grab those rebounds when you have on your squad a spectral entity that is not bound to the laws of either space or time?

No one, is the answer you’re looking for. No one needs that.

You want to talk about flying down the court? Slimer can literally bring you just that. Your transitions will be more effective, your fast breaks will feature more bullet passes from Bron to Slimes and back, and your match-ups will inevitably improve, because no one can find footing amidst all the ectoplasm. My calls to the Cavs front office remain unrequited, but hopefully they can implement this plan before it’s too late. I mean, before it’s later than it already it is. Because boy-howdy, it is late.

Day 2:

You guys, Game 3 is upon us, and the hot takes are stacking up like it’s the dining room of an International House of Hot Takes. And still, the world has yet to accept this outrageous plan I’m advising for the Cavs. Take LeBron – I look at this man-child and I see a guy who really wants another ring. Will he seize the moment and do what he has to do to achieve this? By which I mean, will LeBron James start Slimer?

The issues are simple: Andre Iguodala is all up in Bron’s business, therefore, he will need someone’s (or something's?) assistance in dealing with the Splash Brothers, should they be required to show up for this series. In my estimation, the only thing that might be able to counteract the incredible passing and team-play of Golden State is that rascally, hotel-haunting, binge-eating Slimer. Ol’ Number 00.

He can reach inside and there won’t be a whistle, because his matter is translucent, and the refs are easily confused by the Necker Cube-like questions of whether or not he actually, physically fouled the ball-handler. Sure, you can check Steph’s arm for slime and have a pretty good idea that it came from either Slimer or Dellavedova, but they might have to take this to the replay table when the score is tight and the paint gets crowded.

That said, if Steph and Klay get hot, it doesn’t matter how much mucus is on the ball – these are the greatest shooters the game has ever seen, and if they can manage looks over OKC center Steven Adams, they can certainly get looks through a paranormal small forward. Remember when Ray Allen hit that magical 3 with the help of the Gatekeeper to win LeBron his first title in Miami? Believe, Cavs Nation (aka “Believeland”). Believe.

You know, in ghosts.

Day 3:

Folks, all the big guns showed up last night: LeBron. Kyrie. J.R. Richard Jefferson. (yeah, I dunno who he’s supposed to be either – I think he washes LeBron’s Kias in the off-season). And most importantly: Slimer. They showed up, on time, fully-dressed, and prepared to give the roaring Believeland crowd one last glimpse of this vaunted lineup before Golden State starts hammering the coffin nails.

Notice how those shots were falling last night, as though by some manner of ethereal magick? Well, that was very much the case, as Slimer crushed his switches, drew plenty of fouls, and effectively neutralized the Splash Brothers with his Beverly-esque defense, great handles, and overall grossness. Because he’s made of slime.

He even managed to slip into the afterlife between halves to bring forth the ghost of LeBron’s jumpshot! Truly, we are dealing with some power not of this reality. This prolonging of the inevitable is a victory for all of us basketballers, and we should savor it like we would savor the melted remains of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Big-Man. That said… Warriors in 6.

Slime Brothers 4-lyfe!

Day 4:

From popular basketball website, www.BronBallz.edu -

SLIMER WILL PLAY GAME 4

Cleveland – NBA Commissioner Adam Silver held a press conference this morning, addressing recent concerns from a wide range of franchise owners, as well as the Players Association, regarding the addition of Slimer to the Cleveland Cavaliers active roster.

“There has been an outcry across the land. I’m here today to reaffirm that, in the eyes of the Association, ghosts are people too, and Slimer will be allowed to play Game 4 of this year’s Finals.”

Silver, with his 2014 dismissal of Donald Sterling and the recent flagrant foul conference and subsequent fining of Draymond Green, has been cementing a legacy as one of the most prolific policy-makers in the history of the NBA. He was joined at the press conference by Cavs small forward and focus of the controversy, Slimer, who made the following statement:

“Yrrrrgggggblraaargyglargblarg!”

The power behind his words heightened the emotion in the room, bringing several NBA beat reporters to tears.

“I don’t care if he’s a corporeal being or a non-corporeal being, a demon or an angel. Or a big ball of slime. He has a right to play – let him play,” wrote Sports Illustrated’s Ben Golliver in a recent piece, condemning those who would stand in the way of ghost-progress.

Commissioner Silver wrapped up the conference with another brief statement, informing the world that he has asked noted ghost-rights activist, Walter Peck, to assist with easing the Association through this transition. Mr. Peck is known for his participation in the Ecto-Containment Unit Meltdown of 1984, during which time, he and his colleagues “liberated” several million ghosts, releasing them into Manhattan at great expense to the city.

Mr. Peck had little to say, other than he was honored by the Commissioner’s request, and that he would do whatever it takes to keep Slimer playing for as long as the Finals continue. He then pointed at the myriad cameras and audio recording devices in the room, stating, “Shut this off – shut these all off,” before exiting the room.

Day 5

Whoa, what an incredible Game 4 last night, huh? Listen, I don't like to talk about "winners" and "losers." Let's just say that I think we all know how this is going to shake out from here. If there's any doubt, this picture will definitely speak a thousand words:

Thus ends my painstakingly detailed coverage of this week in the 2016 NBA Finals - gotta get back home and stop the foreclosure of my buddy's house! Way to go, basketball teams - you're all winners, except for most of you.